A Tale of Two Douchebags and their Douchebaggery.

Today at 3:30 am I arrived back in Jodhpur from my Jaipur-Mumbai-Nairobi-Dar Es Salaam-Zanzibar-and back- globe-trotting journey. Besides getting to spend some QT with Lil Mo, seeing the most amazing beaches and sunsets ever (seriously, Zanzibar beats the Caribbean 100% in the pretty water category) and escaping the heat and ridiculousness of Jodhpur, I also had the privilege of meeting two of the biggest douchebags EVER.

Pictured above is douchebag #1, Brian, from Alaska. Brian was on the last leg of a 3month overland trip from Cape Town to Mt. Kili when we met him on the beach outside Cholo's bar. He seemed like a pretty nice, down-to-earth dude...and while his shark-tooth necklace hints at his yankee douchebagness, he possessed some good qualities like-
the ability to throw a football really far,
a good height of about 6'6,
and being an almost-pro baseball player.

Well, the northern tip of Zanzibar (Nungwi) isn't too big, and Brian discovered our whereabouts every day and proceeded to engage us in semi-awkward conversations. Despite the fact that his travel group consisted of around 30 people, he was always alone (this should have been red light #1.)

It wasn't 100% apparent until our last night on the island that Brian was a bonafide douche. First of all, we were on the beach at a fun little ramshackle bar. Not a club. Ole Brian thinks this is the time and the place for skank dancing (btw there is never a time or place for skank dancing)...and proceeds to try out his moves on Molly and I. I'm sorry but 1) huge guys do not get tipsy off of a couple (weak) beers...so there is no excuse, and 2) what is it about baseball players and the attitude that they can get away with whatever they want?? He reminded me of why I quit Diamond Dolls back in high school (besides the fact that it's retarded). Because baseball players are obnoxious and why should I buy candy for them and decorate their houses for no reason? Plus, having "Diamond Dolls" on your resume only looks good to third-tier sororities and the ladies who interview for Vestavia Belles. Pretty much, it's worthless.

One thing that Brian said that night really stands out. "I will definitely marry a southern belle." Right, when you lose the shark-tooth, stop shaving your chest, and get some Rogaine for that baseball-hat-balding-area.

OK, on to douchebag numero deux. We'll call him "Mumbai Man," because he's from Mumbai and he's about 48 years old. He was one of my two seatmates on my flight from Nairobi to Mumbai (my other seatmate was a Sikh who chanted quietly for the duration of the flight, but never said a word to me.)

So, Mumbai man (MM) didn't speak to me for about the first 30 minutes of the flight, which was pretty awesome because I'm desperately trying to finish a book and I've learned that conversations with Indians on planes can last- painfully- for hours. Well, all it took was MM sneezing and me saying "Bless you" to open the door for conversation, dammit. I learn that MM is in the handicrafts business (exporting stuff from India) after owning casinos in Africa for the past decade. He lived in Nairobi for the past 9 years and now has moved back to Mumbai. He was raised in Calcutta and hates India. He asked me about NGOs, etc. And then he asked how I was getting from Mumbai back to Jodhpur. (A question I myself had not figured out yet...I'm into winging-it lately...which is probably stupid considering that our flight arrived at 3am in Mumbai.)

Well, MM was really worried about me being alone in Mumbai. So he orders two vodka shooters and says "Before I start drinking I just want to tell you that I live alone, 6 km from the airport, and you are welcome to stay at my house and make your train reservation from there. I didn't clean the place because I was in a hurry when I left, but it's nice, etc. etc." He went on to say that if I didn't want to do that he would help me find a hotel..."it's just not safe leaving the airport in the middle of the night..." I'm laughing during this whole exchange. I mean seriously- how many girls has this dude propositioned on an airplane??? He gives me his number in case I need anything while I'm in Mumbai. Needless to say, I did not go anywhere with MM, although he did follow me around the airport as I searched for flights from Mumbai to Jaipur. When I had to settle for a 6:35 pm flight I think he got excited because SURELY I wouldn't stay in the airport for 15 hours...SURELY I would want to "freshen up" at his house. When I bought the ticket from the Jet Airways counter the representative said "is that man with you?" "Hell no, he is just following me around" I said. "Do not entertain such people," she advised me. I DON'T WANT TO...BUT WHAT IS IT WITH INDIAN MEN THAT EVEN IF YOU SAY HELLO ON A FREAKING AIRPLANE THEY THINK YOU ARE SOME SORT OF BRITNEY SPEARS-RUSSIAN-PROSTITUTE?????!!!!!!

Finally I had to yell at MM "I'm not going anywhere with you!!" Miraculously, after this moment MM was not worried about my safety at all. I never heard from him. As soon as I escaped him, I got out my trusty, aptly-named sketchbook and began writing down MM quotes. For being such a creep, he was pretty hilarious. Enjoy.

MM: "Why do you want to be in India?"
Me: "I just think the culture is fascinating...etc"
MM: "If you want to learn about Indian culture, buy a book about it and read it. India has nothing to offer."

MM: "You would love Nairobi. I lived there for 9 years. I have a house with 3 bedrooms and maids and cooks."
Me: "Isn't it really unsafe?"
MM: "No. That's just what you hear on the news. In my 9 years I only got carjacked twice and had 1 car stolen. See that's the thing about African men- they love their cars more than their women. If I had my girl with me I would fight for her, but I'm not going to fight for my car. So I never got hurt."

MM: "So is America about to have its first black president?"
Me: "I sure as hell hope not." I go on to talk about how I disagree with Barack on pretty much everything,etc.
MM: "People like you should run America!" Yes, he actually said this. It was the best thing he said.

At this point in the conversation we're watching a Bollywood movie...
MM: "Why don't you become an actress?"
Me: "I hate acting. I think it's hard enough to be myself, much less try to be someone else."
MM: "Or you could be a high-paid model."
Me: Laughing, laughing. "Yes, when I lose 30 pounds."
MM: "See, it doesn't really matter what you want to do. You have to use the talents you have. Anyone can work at an NGO in India. Anyone can sit behind a desk. People that are good looking need to be in the spotlight, whether they want to or not. Leave the rest to the ugly people."
Me: At this point I don't have words...

MM: "What do your parents think about you running around the globe?"
Me: "They think it's a good thing, they are supportive."
MM: "So your dad is paying for you to live in India?"
Me: "Pretty much."
MM: "What does your mom think?"
Me: "Well I think she worries alot and always wants to know what I'm doing...and sometimes I don't think she sleeps...but my dad is really laid back" etc.
MM: "You shouldn't travel if it worries your parents. It's just plain wrong. You should turn around and go home right now- it's not right. I could never live with my daughter running around the world alone. It's just not safe. India isn't safe...I hate India."****

****This is after he tells me that he split with his wife when his daughter was 1 and doesn't speak to them at all. "They do their thing, I do my thing...I was just there to father a child." I love it how it is always parents like this who give parenting advise.

So anyway, what I am trying to say is that I miss southern boys who don't wear shark-teeth or puka-shells.


Pam said...

ouch! Poor Brian..his ego just struck out!

Les said...

kali for president

KWo said...

Maybe even more disturbing than Brian is the guy in the back right behind him (also featuring a nifty shark tooth necklace). Think he takes being black to a whole new level.